Laura has just single handedly signed my death warrant

Well, OK, not really. But at the moment it feels like that.

So let me explain something. When college first started I hung out with Becky and Laura and Sara and Charlotte and Megan, and basically the whole of Leigh's group (plus other people. We all made one big group so we had some social status. I know this sounds weird but it just kind of happened.) And then I began hanging out with Becky more, who then got involved with drama so much she was never around. I then hung out with Laura like all the time, but then I got with Greg. Then I hung out with HIM all the time, and Ashlea became my best friend so it was spread over them two. But then me and Greg split up, so I hung out with Ashlea all the time (and when she wasn't in, with Laura). Ok, so now you're up to speed with the last year at college.

So, first of all, I lost Greg. Whatever, I had my friends. Then Ashlea decided to quit, so then I was down to Becky and Laura. Laura has JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE FINALLY GOT A JOB (and I'm happy for her) but she's dropping out of college too! Which means I basically have no one. Except Becky. and Sam. But Becky constantly has drama rehearsals and music things, she's never around. And I don't have any other friends because I'm so anti-social and bitchy.

So yeah. My last resort just dropped out. And I really do love Laura, she's really funny. I'm just slowly being left by everyone. It's so weird how that can happen, how one minute you don't have to even think about it, but then they start leaving. And they keep leaving. And it suddenly becomes this massive worry. Oh my God, I really will have such a shitty year.

...right. Great. I shouldn't even be thinking about myself. I should be happy for them because they're doing what they want. But I'm not. I'm just not. I'm really fucking worried.

True Story.

Last night was the first time I've ever been drunk.

I mean, I've been tipsy before. Any time I drink champagne it goes straight to my head, and I go proper giddy. I giggle a lot and can't think straight and feel on top of the world. That I don't mind so much.

Being drunk's all in good fun. Started getting a headache before I was even tipsy, and it just grew with the amount I drunk. And it took more for me than it did Hannah. Whatever! This is all irrelevant.

I don't feel too good about what went down WHEN I was drunk. Even though it was all just a joke, and at the time I found it hilarious. And was convinced I didn't give a shit. The truth is, though, I kind of regret letting Hannah do it all. Ok, ok, calm down your little sexually transfixed minds right now. Nothing like that. She texted loads of people on my phone telling them I was pregnant! I was a little concerned at how she texted my brother and my other brother's girlfriend. But apart from that it was ok.

Oh. And the part where she sent messages to Greg, after I told her too. Those were really my fault. I don't know, that doesn't really matter, he won't care. But there's other things that are bothering me. Like the lengthy gaps in conversations today with people Hannah texted last night? The fact that the only thing Sam replied was 'Piss off.' which, actually, is so rude I feel like punching him or something. I hate it that he's angry at ME for texts I DIDN'T EVEN SEND! I could barely stand up last night, I didn't really have a chance in hell of getting my phone off of Hannah. So yeah. It's bothering me. And I can't help feeling like I've caused some rifts in my friendships. It sounds ridiculous, I guess. I've received drunk texts before and I laugh them off because they're ONE OFFs and FUNNY. And ok, Hannah may have sent more than one to people but still! So yeah. This isn't really helping my, 'I have no friends for college this year.' And it's kind of out of my hands now.

I don't know. I guess I'm just a little bit upset at everything. I hope everyone doesn't hate me for things I weren't even saying. I want to explain to everyone somehow but I can't. No one's around. It doesn't help that it's V this weekend so loads of people have fucked off anyway. People I've managed to talk to: Leigh, Terry and Kirsty. I texted the others but they didn't reply. So yeah. Ok. Maybe freaking out a tiny bit.

Also, I feel like shit. Really badly actually. I fell asleep on Hannah this morning. LOL, I mean, like, I fell asleep for about an hour. And then my dad had a go at me. To be honest, though, I didn't really mean to. My head hurts and I'm really achey and tired, and I feel sick but it comes coming in waves.

Ugh. I need a good nights sleep.

Glad that's over.

Just for the record, I got BCDU. And a U in General Studies but no one counts that. So yeah. Not as bad as I was imagining. Not pleased or unhappy, just kind of content. I'm just relieved I don't have to feel sick anymore.

Here are some of my reactions at other people's results.

Hannah's - for some reason was expecting her to get more As, but in no way where hers bad! I'm proud of her.

Rachel's - Even though she only just got slightly better grades than me I can still be sure I'm more intelligent than her, and forever will be. She's just so ignorant.

Laurence's - Oh my God, I think that's his first C. He may very well self destruct.

Ashlea's - I told her she wouldn't get all Us. I'm happy she got a few Cs in there, maybe she'll start believing in herself.

I'll update this as more results trickle in.

Drinkingdrinkingdrinking

Originally, the plan was that Hannah was coming over to get drunk and then she was going home. She can't find a way home though, especially if she's going to be slaughtered. I can't expect her to get the train home, omg she'd be raped! Haha. Yeah, so now she's sleeping over which is going to be so funny.

I haven't had anyone sleep over for ages. I swear to God the last time was Millie, and that was in like...year 11. Or 10 or something. Forever ago. I'm not a massive fan of sleepovers, they just feel awkward to me. Hopefully I won't have that with Hannah. Or so I hope. Oh my God, I'm nervous and excited for tomorrow, I have no idea what's going on right now. My head is such an endless pool of nothing right now. The only way I could explain it is in colours. It's mostly black, then it bursts red, then goes to more warming colours, then bursts red around, and they're swirling and turning and I don't understand. I am going to have one massive headache tomorrow along with a few panic attacks. Oh my God, I don't know if I've ever felt this disconnected before.

Everything seems so...far away.

It's like I'm trying to come to terms with so many things, but because they lump themselves into one big mass, I can't. These things keep cropping up. Like Greg talking to me? And Ashlea maybe getting back with Aaron? And my results? And how this is the last year with the people I have spent seven years with. Most people are going off to Uni and my parents are moving away. I either have to stay here on my own or move too. I don't know. What is even going on? Since when did something pull the floor out from underneath my feet? Why does everything seem so complicated now? It makes me think back and I wonder how wrong I was. I've always assumed my life has been complicated but now it truly is. So, so much going on. I can't keep up. And I can't help but wonder if...life's just full of illusions. You always look back and either think, things were so much easier back then. Or the complete opposite, things were so bad.

That begs the question: do I just take everything for granted in my life, even though I try my damn hardest not to? I know when I lose something or someone the pain seems unimaginable, and my actions are too. I can't seem to hold onto my own life, you know? Everything, everyone, is slipping. I can't even decipher my own thoughts, my own feelings!

And why do I get the feeling, this aching feeling, that if I still had Greg I wouldn't be like this at all? It would all be so bearable with him. He shines through everything, even now. Through absolutely everything. No matter how bleak and dark things become in my life I can't help but think that Greg is the answer. Am I just building myself up for more disappointment somehow? Or am I being told something? I can't shake the feeling that it all lies with him. That he is the point to everything, the answer to everything, the very reason I live. Maybe it all sounds dramatic but I cannot find any other explanation. I know I am setting myself up to be crushed all over again. I can't help it though! Which is why I beg the question, beg the question everyday, do me and Greg have a future?

I can't find the answer, though.

Results day is imminent...

and I am panicking. I think I know what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'm going to get dropped off by my parents a little bit early, rush in and grab my results and then run. My dad has to be somewhere so it's the perfect excuse to, a) not talk to anyone b) avoid Greg at all costs c) not find out my results and break down into tears etc etc. I feel so nervous. I feel sick and have butterflies. I won't be able to shake it until after I have my results. I can't even be fluent right now, my thoughts are so jumbled. I can't function. Oh, how I can't function! I wish I had realised how little GCSE's don't matter at the time, I can remember feeling disappointed at the fact I got a C in English Literature. Hell, I'm not even going to pass my A Levels! I think I need to do a couple of shots of vodka tomorrow morning to help with my nerves, otherwise I will puke everywhere and scream and cry. I wish I'd sorted it out to have them sent to me instead, I don't want to see anyone tomorrow. No one, no one, no one. Especially Ashlea, I don't want to have a "catch up". I don't care about her newest relationship that won't last, or how she's so excited to go going to Seevic. I don't care about all that trivial shit! I just want to get home tomorrow and wait for Hannah to come over and drown our sorrows. Finnish drinking games, ftw.

I honestly don't know what this post even is, I am just freaking out!

The Earth should've spun out of it's axis by now...

So today, for the first time since I can literally remember (OK, it's actually only been since the beginning of summer, but whatevs) Greg spoke to me. Well, ACTUALLY, this is how it happened:

It's Sunday evening. Me and Hannah have just been to see the first of 2 films that day (Knight and Day) and are a little giddy over Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise never fails to be humorous to us because he played Lestat in IWTV. Whatever, that's unimportant. We decide to go have dinner inbetween the first and second film (Avatar: The Last Airbender). So, we're sitting in Bella Italia and slagging off Italians and Hannah's ex Eurogenie - not his real name - to no end, when I mention seeing a youtube video of Avenged Sevenfold's new tour. It looks pretty fantastic, let's just say that. I whip out my blackberry and begin to paw through my facebook to find when Greg (my ex) and Sam Birch (someone unimportant) mentioned where a7x were playing in October. I type 'Greg blablabla' into the search box and hit enter. A few seconds later the page has loaded, and as I'm laughing at something Hannah has just said, I look down in horror to reveal that I DIDN'T search Greg's name, I had indeed updated my status with it. So then, in a flurry of panic I texted Becky, screaming (metaphorically) "OH MY GOD I HAVE JUST UPDATED MY STATUS AS GREG'S NAME. EMERGENCY. ARE YOU NEAR A COMPUTER OR AT HOME? BECKY SIGN INTO MY ACCOUNT AND DELETE IT."

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't just delete it myself. On my old phone, the facebook app didn't allow you to delete statuses whilst on the phone. I didn't even think to check, but after Becky took longer than 10 seconds to reply I took matters in my own hands. Thankfully I deleted the status after only 2/3 minutes. However, there was a lot of screaming and laughter from mine and Hannah's table at that point. Oh God, it was terrible. The moral of the story? Never trust your facebook app again.

ANYWAY. Yes. After THAT happened, the next thing I know is yesterday, after leaving my MSN on for about an hour and a half whilst I watched TV, Greg had indeed tried to talk to me. I was shocked and slightly disappointed that he was already offline. But another question came to mind, was he only trying to talk to me because he saw the status the night before? Impossible, right? Greg's hardly ever online. For him to have been on at that time...well. Fate would just be working against me.

I still don't know whether he saw it or not. I guess it's unimportant. But the good news is me and Greg DID talk today, via facebook messages for the whole day. Nothing interesting going on his life which is a relief considering how boring mine is. It's also a relief to see he isn't having any kind of summer romance (God forbid). So yes.

Also, after I sent the first message, which only consisted of one line, "Sorry about earlier, I wasn't ignoring you, I just wasn't here :)", I somehow got it into my head, 'If he replies with :P on the end then that'd be flirting. That's what I'd do if I was flirting, I think.' But it really was just a inner monologue thing. I don't even know why I thought it.

So what did he reply with? "Don't worry, I thought that's what had happened :P"

I practically died.

But don't threat, I know he wasn't ACTUALLY flirting. I know he doesn't like or love me anymore. It was all in good fun.

Yet...I can't help hoping...

So here's to a new start.

I originally used to blog on Tumblr, but I don't think I have to explain just how self absorbed it really is. The general definition of someone who is Tumblr famous is: someone who is unexplainable-y beautiful and posts many vain pictures of themselves. Even if they don't truly see how good looking they are, they still post these photos in a failed attempt to poke fun at themselves. Of course, with being beautiful comes followers, and with followers comes questions. Thus the making of a tumblr famous' blog: photos of themselves, questions being answered from anonymous lovers and haters, with the occasionally text post about some "funny" anecdote or their heartbreak. Yep. That's Tumblr for you, I guess. I probably sound like some jealous bitch, but to be honest I couldn't care less. I just wish Tumblr was more of what it's supposed to be. A blogging site? Instead of endless and mindless photos which all look the same and pointless posts. I don't know. I just needed out.

And thus, here I am! A fresh blog which no sense of direction. Not sure what I'm going to blog, probably just my general thoughts and feelings. I guess we'll see with time, eh?