Drinkingdrinkingdrinking

Originally, the plan was that Hannah was coming over to get drunk and then she was going home. She can't find a way home though, especially if she's going to be slaughtered. I can't expect her to get the train home, omg she'd be raped! Haha. Yeah, so now she's sleeping over which is going to be so funny.

I haven't had anyone sleep over for ages. I swear to God the last time was Millie, and that was in like...year 11. Or 10 or something. Forever ago. I'm not a massive fan of sleepovers, they just feel awkward to me. Hopefully I won't have that with Hannah. Or so I hope. Oh my God, I'm nervous and excited for tomorrow, I have no idea what's going on right now. My head is such an endless pool of nothing right now. The only way I could explain it is in colours. It's mostly black, then it bursts red, then goes to more warming colours, then bursts red around, and they're swirling and turning and I don't understand. I am going to have one massive headache tomorrow along with a few panic attacks. Oh my God, I don't know if I've ever felt this disconnected before.

Everything seems so...far away.

It's like I'm trying to come to terms with so many things, but because they lump themselves into one big mass, I can't. These things keep cropping up. Like Greg talking to me? And Ashlea maybe getting back with Aaron? And my results? And how this is the last year with the people I have spent seven years with. Most people are going off to Uni and my parents are moving away. I either have to stay here on my own or move too. I don't know. What is even going on? Since when did something pull the floor out from underneath my feet? Why does everything seem so complicated now? It makes me think back and I wonder how wrong I was. I've always assumed my life has been complicated but now it truly is. So, so much going on. I can't keep up. And I can't help but wonder if...life's just full of illusions. You always look back and either think, things were so much easier back then. Or the complete opposite, things were so bad.

That begs the question: do I just take everything for granted in my life, even though I try my damn hardest not to? I know when I lose something or someone the pain seems unimaginable, and my actions are too. I can't seem to hold onto my own life, you know? Everything, everyone, is slipping. I can't even decipher my own thoughts, my own feelings!

And why do I get the feeling, this aching feeling, that if I still had Greg I wouldn't be like this at all? It would all be so bearable with him. He shines through everything, even now. Through absolutely everything. No matter how bleak and dark things become in my life I can't help but think that Greg is the answer. Am I just building myself up for more disappointment somehow? Or am I being told something? I can't shake the feeling that it all lies with him. That he is the point to everything, the answer to everything, the very reason I live. Maybe it all sounds dramatic but I cannot find any other explanation. I know I am setting myself up to be crushed all over again. I can't help it though! Which is why I beg the question, beg the question everyday, do me and Greg have a future?

I can't find the answer, though.